The Courage to be Disliked

 I'm writing this from my phone. I'm having.... difficulty putting my thoughts down on this and not in a bad way. I believe this book has changed my life in all the right areas. People say all the time, there's no right answer. There's no simple answer to anything because we are not simple beings. That you can't rely on anything else to change your life, you gotta figure out what your problem is.

This book came to me when I had my heart broken and made me lean heavily into philosophy. The search for myself and the search for answers to navigate. I'll prolly be thinking about this book for a long time. I've already started re wiring my brain from myself to other people around me, and then to the world. 

It has honestly, changed me for the better. Now as I've said from the start, I'm not here to convince people or here to say this is how to live your life. It is however, how I'm going to live my life. As the book suggests, it's not my task on how other people interpret this book. But it is my task to take an active roll in my life. 

It's difficult to find where I want to begin. I guess I can begin with the relations I have around me. This book explained all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. Because how I interpret with them, is technically how I interact with myself. The feelings of inferiority, trying to get other people to like me even if it means a disregard to myself. With this last piece I've already started putting it into practice. Because it's really how I see myself. 

My thoughts are like a pinball that's bouncing around the place because I'm not going to speak in the exact order of the book, but in the exact order how it changed my life. I'm thinking differently of other people. I didn't realize I saw enemies in them. People I have to prove myself to in order to be liked. And it's because how I saw myself that I felt the need to do that. I saw myself inferior to other people due to always being compared to other people. I saw aspects of my life I didn't want to change, because I was scared not to change. I didn't have the courage to step outside my own toxic patterns. It's familiar to me. And I've treated almost everything like an excuse. Oh if only I had this, or be this way then things could be different. It was, as the book describes it, a life lie. A chain I've put on myself. An excuse to hide behind. It related in almost everything I did. 

Not liking myself, how I was always choosing to NOT like myself. When I looked at myself, much like the Youth, I always saw flaws. The philosopher explains how the world we live in, is a subjective one, not an objective one. How I see myself is not how everybody else would see me. And it's not my task to tell other people how to see me. And that tied into always being in competition with people. I often tried not think of it like that, but it always seemed to me people were talking down to me. That it should be something I should have already known. I honestly can't wait to build horizontal relationships with people, rather than vertical ones and place people above me. We are all walking through life and nobody is better than anybody else. Those that choose to think they're better than everyone else also have this inferiority complex. I need to look at people as comrades first, instead of enemies and let go of my doubts about people. Another reason why I didn't want to interact with the world. 

It was interesting to see myself in this new light of, I was stuck in these cycles because I had all these excuses. And I always explained these excuses to other people as a way of not only venting but gaining some sympathy. Of seeking understanding.

I didn't want or need understanding. I needed power of my life to be put back into my hands and shown me the way of how I've always had this. I CAN choose to be happy, and even the excuse of "yeah I can change I know I can," is still an excuse because I wouldn't be ACTIVELY changing. Change is scary. 

One of the reasons why it was so hard for me, was because the loss of community always weighed heavily on me. I was afraid of being alone, of not connecting to anyone. But in reality, that's the exact opposite. How can you be alone in a whole world? The only you can truly be alone is if there aren't people in the world and there was only you. If everybody disappeared, you wouldn't have anything to worry about. But that's impossible. There are always people in the world. I'm lonely but not because I was truly alone but because the people around me were making me feel alone..all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. 

So how would I not feel alone?

By not putting all of my eggs into one basket. One small community doesn't make me who I am. When there are so many other people in the world, there are plenty of other communities to join. 

I'm so afraid of myself that I would let the fear control me and I would feel so self conscious, that I would use that as an excuse to gain sympathy from others - to not put myself out there. 

The only way to not have problems is if there weren't any people in the world. That's the only way to not get hurt. But the fact of the matter is, it's impossible to not get hurt. It's both a comfort to know there's nothing I can do, and a fear because I also can't control it. But it's not my task to control it. 

These were the areas that really spoke out to me the most. I'm the only one who cares how I look. 

I'm also worthy just by being here. All the micro dose actions, even if I couldn't actively contribute to society the way capitalism wants me to, doesn't mean I'm less valuable. We put so much value on productivity that if someone can't contribute as much or not at all, that they are useless and worthless. This isn't the case. 

This also struck a cord in me.

There are parts in this book that will make people angry. And I, like the youth was one of them. If taken on the surface, then yes I can understand. One of the reviews I saw of this book on Goodreads said he found it "victim blaming" and "condescending." Since I've changed my mindset, I honestly didn't see it that way. I see it as empowerment. As putting decisions back into my hands. I've never heard either of them being condescending. Another review said they found the book portrayed the Youth as "bratty" or "having an attitude". I didn't see it that way. I saw it as much of the same questions I had. Much of the immediate disregard and the determination to try and dismantle this idea. I related to the youth a LOT. I've never quite had a book like this where almost all of my concerns to the philosopher were addressed by the same angry manner I had in myself, that the youth voiced. It felt like being heard.

Another topic came to mind that I really enjoyed. The whole seeking recognition from people. I can't believe I used to do that. Why seek recognition from people if you're trying not to people please? Why was I trying so hard not to live my life connected with other people's expectations and yet always placing myself in competition? Because I always felt the need to prove myself. But that's not my task. It's not my task to control how other people see me. It's also not my task to have them intervene on my tasks. It was also trying to prove to myself. To prove to myself I could do these things. I was always facing failure. And it seemed it was all I could see and it shown through my interpersonal relationships. It was all about how I chose myself. How I chose my decisions or how I was too scared because I didn't want to face myself. But facing myself is more than just seeing flaws. It's also about how I shined as well, and having the courage not to place these chains on myself by something as stupid as perfectionism. 

It all sounds so obvious doesn't it? Here's the big one, there's no such thing as past or future. Whatever happened to me in my past has absolutely no affect on me unless I let it. Unless I use my learned fears as excuses not to have courage. It's all about action and not letting the past define me. 

I loved the "there is no future" part. Where he explains how to live in the present and about the journey. Even if you don't complete the destination. Sometimes there doesn't have to be a set destination. Sometimes there doesn't have to be an end goal. Sometimes it's just the journey.

I really needed to hear that, I really needed to understand it. Which comes down to the reviews I was talking about regarding this statement here in a minute. I think people are taking this at face value. Again, it's not my task how people interpret the book. But it's my task as to how I change my life with it. I really liked what he said about "Trauma doesn't exist." 

It's not talking about ignoring feelings or events. It's talking about choosing how it affects me in the here and now. Will I continue to be a victim? Or be courageous in stepping forward?

I also liked what he said about anger. That it was just a tool for me to use as a way of achieving some goal I had. Like if I raise my voice or do something like "lost my cool there". This one is gonna be a little hard to put into practice but I'll just have to keep reminding myself.

I think it's really quite simple. But applying these things may not be. Life is simple and the world is simple too. Or whatever he said in the beginning lol. I do find myself in agreement.

Here are a few quotes from my own notes from the book, some are slight altercations.

"We do not live in an objective world, but a subjective world"

"You lack the courage to be happy"

"The feelings we feel of inferiority is that it's subjective to only you and not a stated fact. Ones value judgement of oneself, that makes us compare ourselves to others."

"Anger is a tool. It is a means to achieve a goal"

"We rely on anger as a form of communication."

"However other people see or perceive you, is their task, not your own. Don't carry other people's task. You can't control other people's tasks. "

"Separation of tasks. How one drawls boundaries between one and other people. You can lead a horse but you can't make it drink"

"Separation of tasks isn't the goal of interpersonal relationships. Moderate distance."

"When reward is at the base of interpersonal relationships, it becomes transactional- must not seek reward and must not tie into it. It's not your task to expect other people to do things."

"Desire for recognition makes you unfree. All problems are interpersonal relationship problems. we want to escape those problems and be free. But that's impossible. So in order to be truly free, we need to be Disliked because it shows we are staying true to our own personal values." 

"Do you focus on the crowd of seven people who don't like you, or focus more on the two who do? Someone who is lacking harmony in life, will only look at the seven who don't like them"

"You are not the one who decides your contributions are of use. That is the task of other people."

10/06/2026 1525